I returned from vacation with a rock on my finger, surprising both friends and co-workers alike.

"We had no idea you were dating someone!"

Of course not. I don't talk about my personal life at work and I've been spending every weekend missing from the social scene either working, travelling to New Jersey or keeping it low in Dallas.

"It's just so weird," my co-worker said out loud while rinsing her hands,"How can you know you want to marry him when you've only known him three months?"

I finish applying my lipgloss and reply,

"When you know, you know."

That answer, normally received with a smile and an all knowing nod of approval from my parents and most others from the older generation, was not enough to satisfy her. 

She stood with her arms crossed in front of the door awaiting details. Clearly there was no leaving this restroom without convincing her I wasn't throwing my life away.

I let out a deep sigh.

"I've dated enough to know what I don't want. So when I meet someone that has everything I do want, I'm old enough to recognize it right away. I may not know how he likes his eggs in the morning or what kind of jam he likes on his toast but those things I can learn. What I do know is his character. I do know what my life was like before I met him and now I know I can't imagine living it without him and this... is the easiest decision I've ever made."

A smile spreads across her face.

"That's how I felt when I knew I was going to marry my husband."

She steps aside and I smile as I walk out because she has no idea I've already handed in my resignation. I only have three months to plan a wedding and pack up my life to move to New Jersey. And when she asks me about that decision I'll have my answer ready for her.

"When you know, you know."

I want to go to the Anthony Hamilton/Musiq Soulchild concert. Only problem is, I don't have a single friend I can think of that would want to go. My sister and I went to see T.I, but unfortunately she's not a big fan of Anthony Hamilton.

I'm five days away from my 29th birthday and I've decided against throwing myself one last birthday bash. I've been in a reflective mood lately, thinking over the past year. I'd rather enjoy a glass of wine by myself and go to sleep.

I feel like I've outgrown the life I have. I need a new direction, a fresh start. Something different.

It's funny how if you pay attention to the signs the universe shows you, if you only listen to your instincts, how easy and wonderful life can be.

I'm in bed sipping on my second cup of coffee and reading through my old entries on this blog. 

Goddamn this last year has been dark and depressing.  

I figured that after the end of my sister's five week radiation treatment I'd go back to feeling like I did a year ago. Yet here I am in bed on a Sunday afternoon with no inclinations of getting up anytime soon.

I woke up and realized I never closed out my tab at the bar last night. Not because I was so drunk I forgot - one Grey Goose and Sprite can't do that to me. It's because it has been so long since I bought myself a drink that I forgot the proper protocol.

I don't need to tell you, because I think you already know, but I need to write it out so in the future when I read back on this I will remember. And hopefully things will feel different then.

My nails are painted. I'm proud of that. It takes an excruciating amount of effort to look put together. To look around my room you would never guess it belongs to a girl who's nails are painted. There are things everywhere. Clothes, books, earrings, water bottles and magazines. I don't even care.

My car has crumbs all over it and so many clothes in the back seat you'd think I lived in it.

My bills are unpaid. Transferring the funds from my bank account takes so much effort. I work in a bank but still.

No I haven't done my taxes or gone hunting for a condo I want to live in. I haven't been a good friend, a good daughter or even a good sister. I've simply been walking through life with my eyes closed. Routinely going to work and sleeping and eating junk food. By chance if I open my eyes I see happiness all around me. Cute babies and a loving supportive family and patient friends. I just close my eyes again because I don't feel the same way.

My birthday is less than a month away. I have to climb out of this.

My mother wants to buy sneakers that light up when she walks so she feels safe when we walk in the evening. She also wants to go find some neon clothes to wear. Just in case.

She cracks me up.

We get home and Daddy asks me about that big green cartoon called Gulp.

Who?

You know that green monster called Gulp.

Blank stare.

I turn to my mother completely confused. She has that knowing look in her eyes and says,

He's talking about Shrek.

It must be the thirty years of marriage because there is no way any one else would have guessed that.

I don't know what he actually said about Shrek/Gulp because I was laughing too hard.

Seriously, if I don't move out soon I'm going to laugh away my sanity. 

Only a fool would still be in bed this late in the afternoon with a heavy heart and eyes welled with tears.

Only a fool would still dream of a man who broke her heart two years ago and search for the meaning behind it.

I saw him kiss a girl in my dream, it disgusted me so much I threw up. The girl left, he took care of me. I fell asleep in his bed and he whispered that he missed me in my ear while I slept.

Find me a pill that will numb my mind so much that I will never dream again.